I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
