mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
