Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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