You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
