last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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