You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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