dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
