just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
