I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize