He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
