i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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