Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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