Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
