The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
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