Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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