I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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