haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
