dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
