I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
