my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Also, beer. Big fan.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
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