How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
