i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
