you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
