Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
