the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
