My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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