the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
