he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize