I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
