Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
