oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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