My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I think my moral compass just broke
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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