I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
