the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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