Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this beer tastes like vomit already
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
