I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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