So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
