so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
