I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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