It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
