Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
