and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
