Me. At least after what I've been through.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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