I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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