Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
