Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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