grandma shit on top of the toilet
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize