There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
