The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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