I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
