Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
