I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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