Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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