my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
