I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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