I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
