I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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