she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
